This first one is based on my experiences being a DJ over the years...
THE DREADED REQUESTER
I'm not a fucking jukebox
Sorry, no requests allowed
There's always one comes up to you
When you rock a crowd
You don't like the track I'm playing
Telling me what I need to do
Out of 200 people here
The only one is you
"What would fit
Right in - right now
Would be some Fatboy Slim"
I'm playing funk and soul and rock
I ain't fucking playing him!
"Call yourself a DJ?"
Yes I do - I have for years
I love my music, always have
From when I first had ears
But you've been dancing all night long
So why start being a pain?
Go wait for the next track
Don't fucking speak to me again!
The next one is based on me being from Whitehawk - a council estate in Brighton - where we speak all common like! Dropping H's etc. Not exactly the Queens Hactual Henglish don't you know?!
(In this poem, where the words are spelled out i.e. C.H.O.C.L.U.T. you say each letter, ok!)
Phonetically speaking is what I do
So let me do some phonetics for you
Chocolate, now that should really be
For amazing, drop the A from the beginning
And it's F.I.N.G.
When you spell out 'thing' and
Fell free to use F.R. double E for the number
and E.R. becomes an A on that last word - like when you're spelling 'Rumba'
B.A.R dash B dash Q at B.N.Q
Lets break that down
Means barbecue at B & Q
With dropped A and D cos you make the 'un' sound
But with some words spelling them right
Takes less effort than putting sound into sight
Like P.O.E.T.R and Y
Is said P.O.E.R.T.R. double E
And not poe - try
So here's my last example
If you needed more proof
After I'm done here, I'm going home to my bed
Under my own R.U.T.H. - roof!
All (c) G. Phillips